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It began what has felt like an unending game of tug-of-war on our hearts.
As soon as we returned from our first two months in Honduras, we felt a shift.
We looked around and realized that we no longer felt as if we really fit.
Our hearts had experienced things that most people that we knew had never seen, felt, or experienced.
We struggled to adjust to life back as we knew it and we never found complete contentment.
That is where & when the "battle to belong" began in our hearts.
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The battle continued throughout our experiences living in Central America & has been a part of our journey ever since our hearts were ruined for good in 2012.
Even here in Puerto Rico.
Exactly one year ago, we had a silent but serious season of struggle.
From the outside looking in, it would have been hard to tell. But, the tug-of-war was there.
We were recovering from a whirlwind & the heaviness that 2018 brought onto our shoulders.
We found ourselves needing to step back a bit and process everything we had faced.
The emotions of an unexpected change of our field assignment from Honduras to Puerto Rico
Another adjustment to culture and environment changes
Responding to deep needs in the aftermath of Maria
An overwhelming amount of work in a short amount of time with mission teams
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We traveled to SC at Christmas & we realized that things in our hearts had shifted.
That shift was just as strong and life-changing as the first shifts that happened back in 2012 after our first summer in Honduras.
For the first time, we didn't return to SC to find a feeling of being "home". It was not an easy feeling to process.
We prayed and asked that The Lord would encourage our hearts upon our return to Puerto Rico in January and make it clear to us that we were in the EXACT right place for His purpose for our family.
And ... He DID. 1,000,000 times over.
We have been so blessed by the new relationships and open doors that we have experienced in 2019. It is exceedingly and abundantly more than we ever imagined.
We literally could not ask for more.
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But, a few weeks ago, I (Laura) found myself in yet again another tug-of-war battle.
A deep, deep longing for what our life was like in Honduras.
I believe that a part of my heart will always long for what was and what I had envisioned our life would be like there.
Especially for our loved ones there that hold such a deep place in my heart.
Honduras was our Plan A.
We didn't have a Plan B.
But, we have realized that The Lord didn't have a Plan B either.
His plan A was exactly what has happened.
After 5 years of prayer & preparation, He only saw fit to give us three months to serve full time in Honduras and that is still so hard for me to understand.
We tell people when we share our story that we were more at peace with spending 3 decades in Honduras than we were only spending 3 months. And it's so true.
At times, our hearts still long for our feeling of being home in Honduras.
As I began praying through all of the emotions, the Lord showed me that it was truly just a sense of home that my heart had been longing to find.
You see, missionary families walk away from any true sense of belonging the moment that they step out.
And now, when families like us return from the field, they get to spend time with family and friends in familiar places. They return to places where they used to call home ... only to find that things have changed.
We all know that trips back to where we used to belong will never feel the same.
Our hearts have been changed.
Life in the places we used to call home has changed.
And as much as we hate it, we have had to accept it.
We have been so blessed in Costa Rica, Honduras, & now in Puerto Rico to have people surrounding us that have become like family to us.
There are parts of our hearts that we will forever leave behind in all three places because of the brothers and sisters in Christ we carry now in our hearts.
But, there is still not a complete sense of home.
Our hearts often feel stuck between two worlds.
Our Missionary Care Pastor with YFC often reminds us that the most comfortable place for a missionary is on an airplane. We are finding that more and more true in our experience.
As we prepare for another trip back to where most people call "home" for us, there is tension building yet again.
We will be Stateside for 7 weeks as we update our ministry partners & churches about what is happening on the island and what is coming next for 2020.
Many would think that there would be overwhelming excitement about heading back to what used to be our "norm".
But to be honest, I feel the tug-of-war more than ever.
Our hearts long to be with our loved ones. But, we have planted our lives here and it is really difficult to leave. We know we need rest yet we feel uneasy knowing that we won't be here on the island.
It is impossible to explain to someone who has never experienced it.
But at the end of the day, the truth we have discovered is that home is where He is.
It is when we choose to abide in Him that we find our deepest sense of being home.
We are realizing that the battle to belong & feel at home keeps us hungry for more of Him.
So ... instead of allowing the enemy to beat us up with doubt, cause division in our relationships or overwhelm our hearts with emotions, we are choosing to believe that longing to belong is really just a longing for our home with Him in Heaven.
And one glorious day, this game of tug-of-war will end. Thank you for that promise, Lord!
